


The battle for the Kenpachi   (or no one really knows how to flirt in soul Society)

by SenpaiSan



Category: Bleach
Genre: Byakuya basically needs a hug, F/F, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mayuri is still the same idiot but in love, Mostly Comedy, Multi, OOC, Romance, Unohana is kind of a yandere, english is not my first language, i see a lot of people with a lot of additional tags, idk - Freeform, might be some angs later, should I do it too, sorry if there are spelling mistakes, this was funnier on my mind
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:35:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 18,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26106574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SenpaiSan/pseuds/SenpaiSan
Summary: Kenpachi Zaraki, captain of the eleventh division, father of a little ball of destruction and one of the most feared people in the soul Society.How did this man got the most stoic captains to fall in love with him?And why are they soo bad at flirting?
Relationships: Ayasegawa Yumichika/Madarame Ikkaku, Kuchiki Byakuya/Zaraki Kenpachi, Kurotsuchi Mayuri/Zaraki Kenpachi, Kyouraku Shunsui/Ukitake Juushirou, Shihouin Yoruichi/Sui-Feng | Soifon, Unohana Retsu/Zaraki Kenpachi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo yeah, I’m a idiot, hi, sorry if there are any mistakes, this is just to make people laugh (and have more material of my ships), so hope you enjoy it!

#  Prologue

Old man Yamamoto have to admit he was surprised.

He didn’t expect this to happen, well, no one did.

In front of him there was Kuchiki Byakuya, Unohana Retsu and Mayuri Kurotsuchi about to fight to death for Kenpachi Zaraki, who was lying on the ground knocked out.

In the distance you could see a really scared Ikkaku running away from Nemu, Yumichika cheering on Nemu, Renji trying to stop his captain from committing murder and poor Isane who was only doing her job and now has to carry a very accelerated Yachiru

If he just knew how hormonal and crazy this kids would become, he would have accepted some vacation on the human world. But, how did this happen? 

Well, let me tell you that you are in for a ride.

A really wild one.


	2. 1• Byakuya and how he destroyed some kuchiki clan rules

So, let’s start clarifying how did they fall in love with that mammoth of a man.

Let’s begin with Kuchiki Byakuya, a noble man, the captain of the 6th division, the head of the Kuchiki household and a widower.

It has been decades since Hisana died, since then no one has ever really gotten in a romantic relationship with the noble.

Offers haven’t been lacking, women by women have been trying to get his heart but all of them have failed, but why is that?

What is the reason behind the single Byakuya we all know?

Well, that’s pretty simple.

That reason has 2 names.

Zaraki Kenpachi.

May sound surprising but what no one know is that Byakuya has been thirsty for that man for years.

It all started a year after Hisana’s death, he was doing some paper work even though Yamamoto had given him some free days since Hisana’s death anniversary was coming.

Out of nowhere he heard some really loud sound coming from outside. Screams like “he won! He won!” Or “he is the new Kenpachi!” Were heard from outside.

Byakuya lazily stood up and walked towards the window, he saw everyone from the eleventh division walking some cheering and some others being scared.

And then, he saw him.

Covered in some blood, with a really “I don’t give a shit” face, holding his sword, his clothes filthy but for some reason still intact and a little child hangin from his shoulder looking everywhere confused.

In that moment for some reason he had some kind of epiphany in which he was attending the injuries of the murderous man with the little child running around the garden.

Byakuya immediately slapped himself, he couldn’t have that kind of thoughts, they were impure and didn’t go according the Kuchiki clan rules.

Ah, the Kuchiki clan rules... they were bullshit.

In Byakuya’s eyes they basically implied that no one could be happy and everyone needed to become as salty as the elders in the family.

That’s why he decided to break at least one of those rules, he married Hisana and all hell broke loose, they were about to even sacrifice him to the soul king if it wasn’t by Yamamoto’s interference.

Saying that the marriage was a “job thing” and that it was the only rule that Byakuya would break.

And then Hisana died.

And she wanted him to go find and adopt her little sister.

Well, there’s goes the second broken rule.

He still haven’t found her but he already knew that bringing someone from the rugonkai again and adopt her in the family would raise hell on him... again.

Since then he swore upon his parents graves that he would never break the rules again and yet here he is, being thirsty over that man.

His lieutenant appeared catching his breath since he came running.

-C-Captain!!! The eleventh captain was killed! The captain commander just ordered a emergency reunion!

Great! Now he could see the guy up close!!!

...

Wait, why did that made him happy?

Without wanting to put much thought on that, he went to the 1st division using kido.

He was the first one to arrive at the hall where the captains reunite, not even the eleventh division with their new captain have appeared and Byakuya was getting kind of annoyed.

Not because of the time lose, but because his mind kept playing all over again that mental image of him with the murderous man.

Byakuya was about to punch himself when he heard a voice behind him.

-ah, captain Kuchiki early as always-.

Aizen, a really weird but kind man, even though Byakuya still had a bad feeling about him.

-captain Sōsuke, you’re were here even before me-

-oh yeah haha, I had some paperwork to deliver so I came here before the news-.

-I see...-

Byakuya couldn’t care any less about what the man was saying, he was just getting more and more anxious because the ho-... the guy wasn’t arriving.

-soo captain Kuchiki, what do you say about the news? Pretty bad isn’t?-

-yeah, I guess...-

He didn’t even remember the name of the ex eleventh captain, but when the new guy presented, Byakuya would remember his name for the rest of his life.

....

Ok, this was getting bad.

If it wasn’t because Aizen was there, Byakuya would have already punch his head through a wall.

Then all the other captains arrive, but Byakuya didn’t care, everyone saying hi to the others and getting into position.

Just when Yamamoto arrive, he made a signal like he was allowing someone to enter.

And then, there he was.

Even through he really hated kuchiki’s clan rules, he had to thank them right now.

If it weren’t for all the years in which he had to hide his feelings, he would just started to jump in excitement.

...

Ok, yes he was going to punch himself in the face later.

-ken-Chan... where are we?- the little kid spoke softly, she didn’t look scared but curious of all the people she was seeing.

-I don’t know, but keep it quiet brat- the man spoke roughly with a deep voice.

Oh if angels could speak.... they would be punching the hell out of Byakuya for having those thoughts.

-You, tell us your name and why did you just killed Kenpachi kiganjo?- the captain commander was serious, he didn’t look mad tho.

-the name’s Kenpachi Zaraki and I was just looking for someone strong to fight-

-... ok, but why kill him?-

-don’t know, is not my fucking problem that the guys was weak as fuck- 

Oh the boldness in his words only made Byakuya fall more for him.

-do you know what comes next, young man?-

-do I get to fight you?- said the new Kenpachi as he was getting ready with his sword.

Out of nowhere a bunch of reiatsu hit everyone, well, there already was a lot of reiatsu when Kenpachi entered the room but now it was even stronger.

-hahahaha, no- Yamamoto didn’t even look like the reiatsu affect him.

-you, young man, are gonna become the new captain of the eleventh division-

-wait! He just killed someone! Are we really gonna let him have his way and become a captain?!- Soi Fon opposed, out of everyone she was one of the 3 captains that really followed rules and justice (the others being Komamura and tosen)

-you know the rules more than anyone soi fong, when a captain is killed in a duel....-

-.... the winner becomes the captain of that division.... bullshit- she murmured that last part.

-well then, Zaraki Kenpachi, welcome to the gotei 13, you are now the captain of the eleventh division-

Kenpachi didn’t look excited, not even surprised, he was bored, he just wanted to fight.

-the thing now is... is that child going to be with you? I mean, we have a school were- 

-she’s staying with me and whoever tries to separate her from me is going to die like the other guy- interrupted Kenpachi angry at just the thought of leaving the child with some unknown people.

The child just looked at Yamamoto, stick her tongue out and the proceeded to hug Kenpachi neck.

This actually warm byakuya’s heart, he didn’t have any child’s with Hisana, not because he couldn’t but for other reasons.

So seeing how the child and the man were so close to each other made him internally smile.

-okay, okay, no need to get mad, the thing is that this isn’t going to be easy, you know? It would be dangerous for a child, you couldn’t care for her while you fight and you can’t leave her with your lieutenant alw-

-what if she’s my lieutenant?- interrupted again Kenpachi now with the child in his arms.

-... excuse me?-

-yeah, don’t know what the fuck is that, but what about she becomes that?-

-well, first of all, a lieutenant is someone who would always have your back, your second at command, your right hand, your-

-yeah, yeah, she’s that then, she’s my lieutenant-

-b-but-

-her name’s Yachiru kusajishi and y’all better respect her if you don’t want me to fucking kill you- 

Kenpachi didn’t even waited for an answer, he walked out with Yachiru in his arms leaving everyone else shocked.

There was a lot of mixed feeling on byakuya’s side but before he could even began to think about them, Yamamoto spoke.

-w-well, hope everyone can get along with the new captain and his lieutenant-

-you have to be kidding if you think that we’re gonna accept a child to be a lieutenant just like that, captain commander- commented tosen

-I mean, if think you can change his mind, then go, if not the suck it up and shut up-

Obviously tosen was mad, but he didn’t show it, he just leave the reunion with no other word.

Everyone else began to leave as well, Byakuya used kido to get out of there and unconsciously showed up near Kenpachi.

Kenpachi looked back and saw him, Byakuya was internally freaking the fuck out.

That’s the moment where he decided he would use his most famous flirting way.

Stare intensely looking into their soul until someone give up and start to talk.

...

I mean, it work with Hisana.

Byakuya was “flirting” with his stare so hard he was about to see all the sins of Kenpachi.

-fucking freak- Kenpachi said before turning around and just leaving.

Well, there goes that.

...

Wait, did he just flirt?!

With a man?!

That has a daughter!?

And just killed another man!?!?!?

He just broke like 50 kuchiki clan rules.

And deep down in his soul, he knew it was kind of worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, as you can see kind of everyone is out of character but well is just for the lols.
> 
> And maybe is kind of messed up the timeline since I think that actually Kenpachi was already a captain before Hisana’s death but oh well.


	3. 2•Unohana and how she can’t let go of the past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, if you haven’t read the manga (meaning the last arc) I don’t recommend reading this since it contains some spoilers of that.
> 
> If you don’t care or you have already read it, well, hope you enjoy

So, after clarifying how byakuya’s heart fall deep down for Kenpachi, let’s see someone else.

Unohana Retsu, the captain of the 4th division, a healer with a really dark secret.

She was the 1st Kenpachi.

It’s kind of ironic how the best fighters of them all, a Kenpachi, someone who could kick everyone’s ass to oblivion (except for Yamamoto since that guy is packed) became a doctor.

But we don’t really care about that right now.

We care about how she fell for that mammoth.

And it was almost at the same time as Byakuya.

On the same day, Unohana was making her preparations for the day, usually her division wouldn’t receive a lot of patients but something tell her that it was going to be different 

Then her lieutenant entered running

-captain! The captain of the eleventh division has been murdered! The captain commander just solicited your presence in the captain’s hall-

Oh, Kenpachi kiganjo.... he was an asshole.

Out of all the predecessors of Unohana, he was the most, how say this.... useless.

At least everyone’s else have done something in their life time to contribute to the soul Society, but this one he would just say that he was tired from training and then just when to sleep.

Funny how the only battle he accepted was the one were he got killed.

Without putting to much though, Unohana make her way to the first division.

When she arrived, almost all the captain were there, Byakuya with his stoic face, tosen with his stoic face, soi fong with her stoic face.

....

That’s why they are single, right?

Well, props to Byakuya who at least married.

Unohana took her position and waited for the reunion to start, once everyone reunited Yamamoto made the signal to let someone enter the room.

And then, there he was.

Unohana had flashbacks to back when she was the first Kenpachi, when she fought that boy and really thought that he would become the next kenpachi.

And she wasn’t a liar.

Something inside her tingle with excitement, kind of weird sentence...

Unohana absolutely ignored the exchange between Yamamoto and the new kenpachi.

He stood up in the middle, perfect for Unohana to see how has he changed through the time.

Oh would you look at those muscles, those fierce eyes, those abs with some blood on them, oh! And would you look at that as-

-her name’s Yachiru kusajishi and y’all better respect her if you don’t want me to fucking kill you- 

Wait what?

Yachiru?

Who? 

What?

That was the moment when Unohana put attention.

She noticed something, kenpachi was now holding a little girl with a bright pink hair.

...

Ok, who was the bitch who dared?

Unohana was about to kill someone when kenpachi walked out of the Hall. 

She ignored everything everyone else said, she was way to busy thinking what rugonkai whore dared to touch her man.

...

Wait what?

Her man?

Tosen leaved the hall and then everyone else started to leave as well.

She saw Byakuya leaving using kido and decided to do that as well.

The thing was that (just as Byakuya) she unconsciously appeared near kenpachi.

She looked behind her and saw how kenpachi was walking away from Byakuya.

Oh poor Byakuya, lost his wife last year and now he is trying to make friends.

Because that’s what he’s trying to do, right?

Just. Make. Friends.

He wasn’t a closeted bisexual.... right?

Right?

Kenpachi walked besides Unohana, who now had a killing aura trying to figure the sexuality of Byakuya.

-why is everyone here so fucking crazy?- kenpachi asked as he just stared at Unohana.

-ken-Chan... tummy hurts- they haven’t eaten in weeks, kenpachi could hold it but little Yachiru couldn’t.

That’s when Unohana put attention again.

-O-oh, her tummy hurts? I’m a doctor, I can cure her- 

-Really?- said kenpachi with suspicion, I mean the woman had a killing aura and then out of nowhere she wanted to cure Yachiru.

-yeah, you don’t have to worry about anything-

Kenpachi looked at Unohana with doubt and then looked at Yachiru,the little girl was rubbing her tummy almost wanting to cry.

-ok, but something happens to her I kill you-

Unohana started walking to her division with kenpachi following, she totally wasn’t freaking the fuck out.

Once arrived at the division kenpachi when to a bed and sit in it, he put Yachiru on his lap and his Zanpakutō on the side of the bed.

Unohana was freaking the fuck out.

But thankfully, just as everyone who has traumatized on the gotei 13 she could keep a stoic face.

She started attending Yachiru.

-well, I don’t think she’s sick or something, she’s just hungry-

-we haven’t eat in weeks, didn’t think it would affect her- 

-I will feed you mouth to mouth- said Unohana quickly

-what?-

-what?, i-i mean that i would feed you both of you... yeah that- responded Unohana nervous.

Without realizing she just used her flirting technique.

Speak unconsciously and hope for the best.

...

I mean, there was a reason why she is single isn’t? 

She called her lieutenant and ordered some food for the duo.

And that’s when something hit her.

All this time, kenpachi haven’t recognized her.

That kind of hurt Unohana, but she could endure it.

-Ken-Chan, do you think she can become my mommy?- asked Yachiru while eating all she could.

Well, who could blame her? She was just a little child, everyone who showed kindness would become special to her.

Just like right now, considering Unohana her mother just because she feed them.

-what? Fuck no, don’t want any of this crazy ass people as your mom-

Ok...

That one hurt.

But that wouldn’t stop Unohana, she was going to keep trying until she gets her way with the man of her past.

-apart this woman’s ugly-

....

Well, she would try to conquering him after she stabbed him.


	4. 3• Mayuri and how he is weird and dangerous

Now, with the last one in this list of in love idiots, let’s see Mayuri.

Mayuri Kurotsuchi, a mad scientist, captain of the 12th division, leader of the Shinigami research institute, the man with weirdest hats you can imagine and a father.

Yeah, he actually is a father.

But he was in no way like kenpachi.

While kenpachi would help Yachiru with her hair or would beat up whoever dare to disrespect her, Mayuri would only look blankly at Nemu and keep walking.

But even after all, Nemu was his daughter and ally.

Unlike the closeted Byakuya and the awkward Unohana, Mayuri didn’t fall for kenpachi until much later.

To be more exact after Aizen’s defeat.

Everyone was beaten up, especially poor little momo, she has had bad days and then this one, she was literally stabbed.

They called Mayuri to the infirmary in the 4th division to check momo’s injuries since everyone else in the division was pretty busy.

It was a bold decision since Mayuri is the last person you think when you need a doctor.

But well, he still had the knowledge.

Mayuri arrived at the division with Nemu following him close behind, before he could say something to her, Nemu was tackled by Yachiru. 

-Nemu-Chan! Nemu-Chan!- Nemu caught Yachiru in her arms but as always she was serious.

-Hi, Yachiru-sama-

Mayuri ignored the greetings, he was about to step inside the building but something stop him.

There was him.

Covered in some bandage, with his torso uncovered, with just his pants on, a lot of reiatsu was coming from him and he had his Zanpakutō in his hand.

To someone else this would look threatening and would run away from the path of this man but Mayuri only kept looking at kenpachi.

-‘Chiru lets go- grabbed Yachiru from her back.

-buuuuuut I wanna play with Nemu-Chan!-

Kenpachi looked at Nemu and then at Mayuri.

Their work relationship wasn’t the best, well to be honest, was there even a work relationship?

They usually don’t speak to each other, but for some reason they know everything about each other.

This reason being Yachiru and Nemu, after the Shinigami Women’s Association reunion’s Yachiru would tell everything to kenpachi while he was training.

He didn’t give a shit about that association but those moments with Yachiru were like a father-daughter moment and he low key loved them.

In Nemu’s case it was more of a report, Mayuri was way to busy being a mad scientist to hear whatever gossip Nemu had to say, but there was a problem.

Turns out Yamamoto had a soft side for kids, while he could call fucking idiot to Shunsui, to someone really young like Hitsugaya he would call him boy or little one (of course Hitsugaya disliked this but that’s another story).

That’s why when he got notice about the ways how Mayuri treated Nemu, Yamamoto got mad as hell and threatened him with putting him back at the maggots nest for the rest of his life if he didn’t start to treat well Nemu.

Mayuri had to accept, his investigation were getting more exiting since Kurosaki Ichigo appeared and he didn’t wanted to lose the chance of dissecting more specimens.

So, he started the Nemu report hour, at least a hour a day she would give him a report on what has her done in all day, not from work but more from her “social” life, and he would listen to her.

At first It was annoying but he endure it for his experiments , but recently he has started to kind of enjoy hearing those reports, why is that? Well that’s pretty simple.

Kenpachi Zaraki.

Since Nemu and Yachiru were best friends they would tell each other more things than to the others in the association, they would tell about their division, their hobbies, their other friends but more importantly her fathers.

On her reports Nemu would approach these topics and Mayuri would hear very attentive when they were about kenpachi.

But why? Why did a scientist would care about that “I just want to fight” kind of guy?

Well, he started to notice a lot of things in common, like how both hate going to captain reunion since they were a lose of time, how both take a really long time on the bathroom at the mornings (kenpachi on his hair and Mayuri on his makeup), how both liked battles (in mayuri’s case it was because he could get more specimen to experiment on) and both had a daughter.

Mayuri didn’t think it before but he had more things in common with the man that he had expected, since then he wanted to know more about the man but it was all for experimentation... right?

Going back to the topic, Mayuri and kenpachi stare at each other while Yachiru fought in kenpachi arms to go to Nemu.

-clown face, take care of her- said kenpachi offering Yachiru to Mayuri.

-wait, I’m not a babysitter- 

-well, to fucking bad, got any scratches on her and I will rip you apart- kenpachi shoved Yachiru on Mayuri’s arms and then keep walking towards her division.

Mayuri took a look at the child on his arms, Yachiru was actually excited since now she could spend some time with Nemu.

He passed Yachiru to Nemu and walked inside the division.

After checking on momo (and getting a threat from everyone in case he was thinking of dissecting her) he made his way were the other captain where, leaving behind Nemu and Yachiru.

The only one who wasn’t present was kenpachi, but well, it was better this way.

If he would have been present he would have started insulting everyone for not letting him fight Aizen.

-well, since everyone’s here, let us begin this reunion where we shall decide on the new captains- said Yamamoto catching everyone attention.

Just as expected everyone started talking without any order, some fighting others, some just giving random names and some (Shunsui) snoring.

-shouldn’t we bring kenpachi to decide as well?- asked Mayuri actually thinking that no one would hear him.

But everyone did.

And immediately shut up and stared at him.

This was weird as hell.

In other times, Mayuri would have mention a majority of degrading nicknames to kenpachi before mention his name.

But now...

Now it was really different.

-e-excuse me?- asked Ukitake surprised

-I asked you group of Neanderthals than if shouldn’t we bring kenpachi to decide as well, but I see that you little-to-no brain couldn’t catch what I was saying- well that was more Mayuri like but something still was off.

Very off.

-D-did y-you just called him kenpachi?- asked again Ukitake

-well, that his name isn’t or did you group of monkeys didn’t tell of some name changes-

Everyone was quietly freaking the fuck out, especially certain doctor and certain noble.

-why is everyone staring at like that? Got a problem? Or did you finally understood how to use your brains?-

-the issue we have is that you never call him by his name, you would say a lot of insults before that- said soi fong actually surprised.

-..... ah-

Mayuri didn’t think about it but she was right, he never calls kenpachi by his name, why now?

The other issue no one wanted to speak of, was the meaning of him saying kenpachi’s name.

The only other captain (since he only insulted them) that Mayuri called him by his name was Urahara Kisuke.

His now ex boyfriend.

It was to no ones surprise the relationship of those two, I mean, who the hell would go to the maggots nest always and get out with some hickeys and a dumb smile? 

They were actually kind of a cute couple, they still were mad scientist that could blow up the whole Seireitei with just a button but still cute together.

Problems came when all the vizards thing happen.

Out of nowhere Urahara broke up with Mayuri one night and then disappeared for a lot of time.

Was Mayuri sad? Not so much.

He was mad as fuck.

And indeed kind of sad.

I mean he kind of saw future in that relationship, he really liked being with Urahara, he could only think about the future with him, for something he was trying to create artificial life...

Even after the break up, Mayuri kept going with his experiments, until finally getting what he wanted.

An artificial life.

A daughter.

But just the thought of that made his blood boil in anger, every time he looked at Nemu he could see the success of his experiment

And Urahara.

You can guess why did he always treated Nemu that way...

....

Well, that just took a sad and dark turn.

Mayuri swore he would never fall in love again.

And yet here he was.

Most probably falling for a Neanderthal.

But why?

What from that’s guy attract him?

He is nowhere handsome, he isn’t kind or a gentleman, he has no brain and he could actually break him (in a battle way)

So what was it?

The thing they had in common? 

The way how everyone on his division treated him with respect?

The way how he would help those injured just because they can’t give him a good battle anymore?

The kindness he had for Yachiru?

The fact that if wanted he could form a family with him?

Because even though Mayuri would deny it, he actually kind of wanted a family.

And not one he would experiment on....

Who am I kidding, of course he would experiment on them, they would become his primary subject on his most dangerous experiments, but at least he wouldn’t kill them... right?

Maybe the only reason he wanted to have a family was because he could put them on experiment and they couldn’t say anything since he was the father and the most intelligent husband

Basically how he is with Nemu but with more people.

-Wait! I’m not in love with him, I don’t know why all you monkeys think that-

-we haven’t even said that you were in love- responded simply Komamura 

Ok, Mayuri fucked up.

Now, how would he get out of this uncomfortable situation (and why was he feeling two murderous stares?)

He thought of his very famous “flirting” way.

-ok, I’m going to kill him- said Mayuri while grabbing his Zanpakutō 

....

Urahara was kind of a masochist, you know.

Before anyone could say something the doors opened.

Mayuri who all this was standing in front of the door turned around just to see kenpachi standing there.

-the fuck y’all doing here?- asked a confused kenpachi

-I’m going to kill you because I may have feeling for you- said simply Mayuri.

...

He was indeed a bold man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, thinking like Mayuri is kind of tiring.


	5. 4• Ukitake and how he doesn’t want to accept his relationship with Shunsui

Well, know you most be thinking “wait, the hell happened with Mayuri? Did he really kill him?”

No, of course not. 

But let’s start all this story from there, from the moment when Unohana and byakuya got a rival in love.

-What the fuck?- kenpachi asked with all right to be confused.

-What? Your little brain can handle a confession? Let me dissect it so you can understand-

Wait, did he just said confession?!

Byakuya panicked, since the day he met (and fall for) kenpachi he has kept quiet all those feelings, even when they would just exchange insults that would hurt him.

But then he would remember himself that he was still the head of the kuchiki clan, he shouldn’t be feeling sad or offended by those insults.

But then again, he just wanted kenpachi to call him some more... cute things.

But that couldn’t be, right?

Meanwhile byakuya had a internal breakdown, Unohana acted.

She got close and with just one movement knocked Mayuri out.

She could have definitely used some spell or something, but fuck it, the guy wanted to steal her man of course she would become violent.

-Oh well, would you look at that? Captain Kurotuschi just passed out suddenly, I better take him to a more private room- said Unohana like nobody just saw her knock him out.

She grabbed mayuri’s arm and began to drag him to another room.

-The fuck was that?- asked kenpachi once Unohana leaved the room with Mayuri.

-w-well, I think you now have a suitor, Captain Zaraki- said Ukitake with a hand on kenpachi’s shoulder

-a suitor? Why the fuck would I want that?-

-A suitor can become a partner and-

-Partner in like battle?- interrupted kenpachi.

-I mean yes it could be, but most importantly a partner is some you can love and be together with and-

-like you and Shunsui- interrupted Yamamoto interrupted.

That’s when Shunsui woke up.

-W-what?! N-No!- said at the same time Shunsui and Ukitake 

Everyone knew they were gay for each other, nobody was against it, the only problem everyone would find is that even through they knew each other’s feelings, they would never officially confess.

Like they could literally be feeding each other and still say they weren’t in love or some shit.

-come on, just admit already- said a every exasperated Hitsugaya 

-Boy, no need to pressure them- said Yamamoto like he didn’t just call them a couple

-call me boy one more time and I’m going to stab you-

-oh! Stab like you stabbed momo?- asked Shinji who actually has been there the whole time for some reason.

And the war was on.

Hitsugaya attacked Shinji, he evaded the attack but now soi fon got hit, and now she attacked but it hit Shunsui who as well attacked.

Kenpachi got excited since he get the fight the everyone at the same time.

Byakuya took this opportunity to grab Ukitake and run from the room.

But he didn’t take him to safety, he take him to become his adviser.

————————————————-

Unohana tied up Mayuri to a bed, she actually was ready to kill him there.

-can you know explain to me, what are you exactly doing?- asked Mayuri 

Unohana turned around and saw him awake looking at her.

-I know we have had our problems but don’t you think this is to much for you, I mean if it were for me i would kill you like this but this is totally not your style-

-look Mayuri, in my record this will be the most calmed dead i will cause-

-oh! So you indeed have killed in more awful ways?-

-that’s none of your concerns-

-If I’m gonna get killed at least i want to fully know my killer-

-at this point I don’t know if I’m going to kill you for annoying or for- Unohana stopped right there

-what? For annoying or for what?-

-N-nothing-

-Did you already got tired of my medical practices? Or is it something else?-

-Y-yeah! Is because of you medical practices!-

-really? Are you sure?-

-of course!-

-it isn’t because I developed romantic feeling for that Neanderthal? Is it?-

-No!-

-oh ok, then I’m going to tell him to marry me-

Ok that’s it.

Unohana took her Zanpakutō and was ready to stab Mayuri, he took a little dagger from his sleeve and stabbed himself.

This caused his body to become some kind of green liquid.

-W-what!?- asked Unohana as she saw how the liquid would just move and make a escape.

Mayuri was unable to communicate with other or attack in this form, the good part is that he escaped death, the bad part is that he wouldn’t get his form back in some days.

-Stupid clown and his modified Zanpakutō- murmured Unohana as she sat on a chair.

Was she actually going to kill just because he might steal her man?

Why did she keep calling him his man on the first place? 

This becoming a problem.

——————————————-

Byakuya took Ukitake to the kuchiki clan gardens, it was a bold decision since any worker of the clan could hear them and inform the elders but it was the only place were byakuya felt safe.

-w-well byakuya-kun can you explain me why am I here?- asked Ukitake 

-..... how did you confess to Shunsui?-

-WE AREN’T A COUPLE!-

-captain Ukitake please, I won’t judge I just want to know-

-for the last time byakuya-kun, I’m not in a relationship with Shunsui, he’s just a good friend of mine- 

-really? I could swear you two were even married-

This was getting Ukitake on his nerves, he was even starting to feel sick as always.

-look byakuya-kun, he’s just my friend and let’s leave it at that because if we keep going, I’m going to start puking blood- said kindly Ukitake.

-O-ok...-

-well now, why did you bring me here? Was it really just to ask me about that?-

-k-kind off....-

-why?-

How could he explain that he wanted to know how Ukitake confessed to Shunsui so he could take an example of a healthy gay relationship and then confess to kenpachi?

....

Well, that was a hard one.

-ummm w-well, is kind of difficult to explain... i-i don’t know how to explain it-

Ukitake was seeing something unbelievable, one of the most stoic captain on the gotei 13 was kind of panicking because of something.

-byakuya-kun... are you okay?-

Now he wanted to cry.

He didn’t know how to say it.

And was very scared of even say it because of the place they were in now.

But as byakuya always is, he has never showed emotion, so he just froze.

Like literally, he froze.

-byakuya-kun?-

No response.

-are you okay?-

Still without response.

-.... okay fine, think about what you want to ask me or tell me and then later you go to my division and we talk about it- said Ukitake putting a hand on byakuya’s shoulder.

Byakuya was still frozen.

Ukitake just pat him a little in his shoulder and then leaved but as he was going outside.

-soo you sure Shunsui and you aren’t a couple?- asked byakuya with the little conscious he had from his breakdown.

-SO SURE WE AREN’T A COUPLE-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Ukitake and Shunsui are married, I have no proof but neither doubt.


	6. 5• Yumichika and how he doesn’t want his dad to marry a clown

After the murder attempt, Unohana went back to the room where everyone was just to find only Yamamoto there.

Yamamoto ended up taking everyone out of the room since they couldn’t “behave like adults”.

-where’s kenpa- I mean where’s everyone?- asked Unohana 

-well, they were being assholes so I send them to their divisions-

-I-I see...-

Unohana was about to leave the room when Yamamoto suddenly spoke.

-what is happening between you and captain Kurotsuchi?-

Oh uh.

How can she explain that she was about to kill him just because out of nowhere he confessed his feelings for her man?

....

Well, now she looks like a yandere.

-nothing captain commander, he just passed out and I took him to the infirmary-

-we are at the infirmary-

-..... other different-

-look, Unohana we have know each other for decades if not centuries, and i know you are hiding something-

Oh shit he knows.

-I know you are starting to like Kurotsuchi and you just don’t know how to handle feelings-

Oh shit he doesn’t know.

Unohana had three options at the moment:

1* she could just follow the flow and lie, saying that she was indeed in love with Mayuri (although she almost killed him)

2*she could say the truth and let the captain commander know about her feelings for kenpachi

3* straight up kill him

...

To be honest, the third option was most likely to happen.

Just when Unohana started thinking about the consequences of killing her boss Isane appeard.

-captain Unohana, we need of your help to cure some of the- 

-ok, ok, ok, I’m so sorry captain commander but i need to go now, what about we save this conversation for the next century, bye bye- interrupted Unohana, grab isane’s arm and run out of there.

Yamamoto just sigh.

-kids this days... I should give them a talk about love- said Yamamoto without think how bad of a idea that was.

—————————————————  
-HE SAID WHAT!?- asked Yumichika and Ikkaku very scared and surprised 

-that he had feelings for me- said simply kenpachi while eating.

They were finally back to their division after such difficult battle, where they were beat up and watch how their colleagues got their asses beaten too and now they have to deal with some love declarations from a clown to their captain.

Can’t they get a little rest?

...

No.

-okay, captain and what did you say?- asked nervously Yumichika 

Low key he considered kenpachi like a father and there’s no way in hell he would consider Mayuri his father as well.

-nothing, Unohana knock him out and took him away-

-huh? Why?-

-who the hell knows, I don’t really care-

-wait, then... would you date him?- asked curiously Ikkaku 

Kenpachi got quiet and that scared Yumichika.

-oh please captain say no- Yumichika prayed 

-I don’t know, I don’t really want a partner or something- 

-y-you sure?- 

-yeah, apart I already said that I won’t date anyone from here, all of them are fucking crazy- said kenpachi finishing his meal and then standing up.

He only grabbed his Zanpakutō and went out, ten seconds later a lot of scream were heard.

-he went training- said Yumichika and Ikkaku at the same time.

-hey, why you so worried about captain Kurotsuchi and out captain together?- asked Ikkaku 

-well don’t know about you but I don’t want to become a test subject-

-he wouldn’t do that-

Yumichika just gave him a stare like “really bitch” and keep eating.

-well, I already know that captain Kurotsuchi no, but who would you accept as the captains partner?-

-why does he even need a partner? He is fine single-

-you wanna fuck him?-

-WHAT!? NO I WOULDN’T FUCK MY FA- Yumichika stopped there since no one knew about his daddy issues.

-your what?-

-M-my F-faptain.... yeah that-

Ikkaku was about to make more question when suddenly the door slammed open.

Yachiru entered the room like the lieutenant she was.

-a-ah lieutenant, thought you were playing with Nemu- said Yumichika

-yeah, but she said something about clown face becoming a liquid or something and then went away-

-I see..-

-what were you talking about?- asked happily Yachiru while sitting in the middle of the two 

-well, the captain told us something about captain Kurotsuchi and- said Ikkaku before being interrupted by Yachiru 

-oh!!!! Did you hear then!?!? Ken-Chan and clown face are getting married!!!!-

Yumichika choke and Ikkaku looked at Yachiru.

-WHAT!?- asked Ikkaku

-yeah, clown face confessed to ken-Chan and he said yes, so they love each other now!-

Ok, she got at least two lies there.

-where did you even hear that?-

-big bobbie told me-

Rangiku.

If you wanted that everyone heard about something you only have to tell her.

Even people at Karakura town knew.

-why does she even know?- asked Yumichika finally recovered

-well captain Hitsugaya must have been there- said Ikkaku 

-nope! Big bobbie was going to give something to icy and then she heard how clown face confessed to ken-Chan-

So she was going to Hitsugaya.

Hmmm.

How lucky was Rangiku to be there at the exact moment of the gossip.

-ok, lieutenant let me tell you something, the captain AIN’T gonna marry captain Kurotsuchi, ok?- said Yumichika 

-huh!? But I want him to have a boyfriend!-

-what if he doesn’t like boys?-

-girlfriend then!-

-why do you even want him to have a partner?- asked Ikkaku.

-he has always been a lonely soul without someone that could give him love, I know that I’m there for him and always will be but he needs another kind of love that I can’t give him, something more romantic- 

Wow.

Yachiru could be the kind of kid that would go full philosophy mode and 5 seconds later go “hollows go brrr UWU”.

-o-ok but the problem here is that he already told us that’s he won’t date anyone here- said Yumichika

-well, make him!-

-why would we do that?-

-if you two don’t get ken-Chan a cute boyfriend or girlfriend I’m gonna kick your ass-

I mean, even without a threat she would do that.

-do you really think that we wou-

-if you don’t do it I’m gonna tell ken-Chan that both of you punched me!-

Ok this was serious.

There some unwritten rules in the eleventh division that everyone need to know.

Being the one most important 

“You never hurt or disrespect the lieutenant, you do it you die”

There was some new guy who actually did that, not understanding why was a little child in the lieutenant position, he insulted her. 

Oh poor bastard.

Not even Mayuri could rebuild his corpse.

-O-ok... what about captain Kurotsuchi? would you like for the captain?- asked kind of scared Yumichika

-yeah, that way I can play with Nemu-Chan always!-

-ok then, captain Kurotsuchi will be...- said Ikkaku since Yumichika was about to have a anxiety attack

-Great! Go now and tell him to marry ken-Chan!-

Ok, this was going to be a long day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might start adding like the initial of the name or a part of the name of whoever is speaking at the moment since even I get confused (or maybe only I get confused)
> 
> Yeah... hollows go brrr


	7. 6• Ikkaku and how he is having a horrible day

Ikkaku: -the hell so you mean he became a liquid and can’t get married?!-

Yumi: -I’m going to pass out-

Both of them were in front of the twelfth division, Nemu just told them the issue Mayuri was going through.

Nemu: -Mayuri-sama became a liquid due to unexpected events and can’t get married at the moment, please come back later-

Ikka: -you don’t need to repeat it again- said angrily 

Yumi: -Look, Ikkaku this might be divine intervention-

Ikka: - what!? Why!?-

Yumi: -Don’t you realize that the soul king heard my prayers and now he made a situation in which captain Mayuri can’t marry our captain!- he said really hopeful and looking into the sky

Ikka: -you really don’t want the captain to marry him, isn’t it?-

Yumi: -like i already told you I don’t want to become the guinea pig for captain Mayuri, no offense Nemu-

Nemu: -I can’t register a offense-

Ikka: -even through you don’t want it, the lieutenant already told us that she will get the captain to kill us if we don’t do this, so pick guinea pig or unrecognized corpse?-

Yumi: -.... unrecognized corpse-

Ikka: -GODDAMMIT YUMICHIKA!-

Nemu: -Mayuri-sama will be available in some days, more exactly in three days-

Ikka: -well, then let’s go tell that to the lieutenant and come back in three days-

Nemu: -in the meantime you two can organize your wedding-

That shocked the two men.

Both: -what!? What the fuck!?-

Nemu: -Yachiru-sama told me that you two were marrying soon, congratulations-

Ikka: -WAIT WHAT!? FUCK NO!-

That hurt Yumichika.

Is to public knowledge that Yumichika has certain crush for Ikkaku.

Literally the only person who doesn’t know this is him.

Nemu: -what colors would you prefer for the venue? Is red fine?-

Yumi: -red isn’t a pretty color, what about blue?-

Ikka: -why the fuck are you picking colors?-

Nemu: -we can put various tones of blue in the decorations-

Yumi: -put some purple in there and it will be beautiful-

Ikka: -why do you keep planing a wedding that isn’t even happening!?!?- asked angrily.

Nemu: -understood Yumichika-sama, some blue and purple for the decorations, shall we talk about the cake?-

Yumi: -yes!-

Ikka: -STOP!!!!!- screamed furious 

Ikkaku took Yumichika‘s hand and started walking to the exit.

Ikka: -tell your captain that our captain is coming to marry him in three days!-

Nemu: -understood Ikkaku-sama, we can still plan your wedding later-

Ikka: -THERE ISN’T GOING TO BE A WEDDING!-

——————————————————

Ikka: -does she think she’s fucking Cupid or why is she getting everyone a wedding?- asked more to himself 

They were still walking towards the eleventh division, Ikkaku was still holding Yumichika’s hand.

While Ikkaku was furious, Yumichika was in heaven holding the hand of his crush.

Not only the wedding between his captain and captain Mayuri isn’t happening soon, he even got his crush to hold hands with him.

All of his prayers were heard and he was so fucking happy.

Yachi: -I don’t see any wedding going on!-

Both looked from where the voice was heard, Yachiru was sitting on a tree near the eleventh division, must probably waiting for Ikkaku and Yumichika announcing the wedding.

Ikka: -well, that’s because it ain’t happening soon-

Yachi: -eh?!-

Ikka: -turn out that the captain Mayuri literally became a liquid and wont get back his form in like three days-

Yachiru looked disappointed she actually wanted a wedding, not for the couple but for all the food and candies that people serve at weddings.

Yachi: -what about you tw-

Ikka: -don’t even start with that shit- said angrily interrupting Yachiru.

Yachi: -weeell, since there’s no wedding going on, I’m going to accuse both of you with ken-Chan-

Ikka: -wait, why!?!? Already told that the guy became water like literally!-

Yachi: -but I wanted a wedding!-

Ikka: -why!? Yo don’t even like that, do you!?-

Yachi: -well no, but ken-Chan deserves love and I deserved candy-

Ikka: -wait, you don’t care if the captain get married, you only care if there’s candies at the event!!!-

Yachi: -noooooo....-

Well, she still is a child.

Ikka: -if you want candies just ask the captain for them, no need for no wedding!-

Yachi: -I mean, I could do that or I could.... KEN-CHAN!!!!-

Ok, she was satan.

Even Aizen is stupid against Yachiru.

Ikka: -WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!- said really scared

Yachi: -KEN-CHAN KEN-CHAN KEN-CHAN KEN-CHAN!-

Yumichika was still in heaven.

Ken: -the fuck is going on?-

Kenpachi arrive within minutes to where Ikkaku and Yachiru where.

Ikka: -a-ah captain!- he just make a salute pose while still holding yumichika’s hand

Yachi: -ken-Chan! Baldie doesn’t want a wedding!

Ken: -Yumichika finally confessed?-

Yumi: -wait wha?-

Yumichika finally fell from heaven when he heard that.

He haven’t confessed to Ikkaku because he wanted him to confess.

Like in movies when the guy appears with a bouquet of roses and ask to go on a date and the girl says yeah of course and then have 3 kids a dog and a house.

...

He blame it on the weird human movies Ichigo sisters recommend him to watch.

Ikka: -confess what?-

Yumi: -a-a-a-ah that i-I’m gonna plan the captain wedding-

Ikka: -what?-

Ken-what?-

Yumi:-what?-

Yachi: -yay!!! There’s gonna be a wedding!!!-

Ken: -the fuck do you mean my wedding?- 

Before kenpachi could get even more mad, Yumichika hold on to ikkaku’s hand and start pulling him towards the fourth division.

Yumi: -can’t tell the surprise, need to go, bye!!!- said quickly before running away with Ikkaku.

Ken: -why is everyone acting so fucking weird today? Brat, get down from that tree you gonna hurt yourself-

Yachi: -ok! Catch me!-

Yachiru jumped from the tree and fell into kenpachi’s arms, he put her on his shoulder and started walking back into the division.

————————————————-

Ikka: -why the hell are we here?-

They arrived at the fourth division after running all the way there.

Yumi: -well, I’m gonna find something, some medicine or something for captain Mayuri-

Ikka: -to cure him?-

Yumi: -to kill him-

Before Ikkaku could make anymore comments on that they heard something.

Unoha: -I’m so sorry for that Isane-

Isa: -don’t worry captain, but what happen between the captain commander and yourself?

Unoha: -well... he was about to find out about my secret... you know which one-

Isa: -the one about captain Zaraki?

What? What secret about captain Zaraki?

Unoha: -yeah that one-

Isa: -captain I already told you, having a crush is natural, apart you and captain Zaraki look cute together-

As the two women were about to turn the corner when they both saw Ikkaku and Yumichika with a surprised and scared face.

This was going to be a really long day for the two guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, i got less confused by putting the name at the start of dialogues.
> 
> Anyway yumichika’s having a blue and purple wedding y’all invited.


	8. 7• Rukia and how she found out that her brother was probably homosexual

Hanatarō, the seventh sit at the fourth division, was working as usual.

Helping others cure those who was still injured or those who just arrive because of the eleventh division training.

He was curing a patient when someone from the division arrived.

Some: -Hanatarō-sama, tha captain just order the capture of Ayasegawa and Madarame from the eleventh division, if you see them, capture them and send them to the captain-

Hana: -a-ah yes I will!-

The person just noded and leaved the room in which Hanatarō was in.

Hana: -well, now you gotta tell me what you did to get captain Unohana mad-

Ikkaku and Yumichika were hiding in the room.

After hearing the “secret” crush of Unohana, they ran like the devil was chasing them.

They entered in the first room that they found and stayed there until Hanatarō arrived.

After convincing him of not telling where were they, they stayed in the room freaking out.

Ikka: -I-it’s somewhat complicated...-

Yumi: -have your captain thirst over our captain?-

Hana: -w-what?!-

Ikka: -yumichika!-

Yumi: -what? Might already get the answers-

Hana: -I-I know nothing...- said very nervously

Ikka: -... you know everything isn’t it?-

Hana: -yes but I’m not gonna tell you!-

Yumichika and Ikkaku took their Zanpakutōs out.

Hana: -I-if y-you get close I will scream till captain Unohana hears me!-

Yumichika: -you don’t dare-

Hanatarō took air and was about to start screaming.

Ikkaku: -ok he dares-

They weren’t that stupid.

I mean they were stupid enough to challenge kenpachi but not idiotic enough to challenge Unohana.

They sheathed their Zanpakutōs.

Ikka: -look, you got saved just because of the situation but next time we’re gonna kick your ass until you tell us the secret-

Hana: -b-but don’t you already kind of know it?-

Ikka: -still we gonna kick your ass!- said threatening 

Hanatarō just shrink in fear, yumichika and Ikkaku got out from a window and once out started running towards the eleventh division.

———————————————

Thankfully no one follow them, they stopped running at the ninth division and started walking.

Ikka: -well now what?-

Yumi: -I don’t know, we shouldn’t have heard this, now she’s gonna follow us and kill us-

Ikka: -such fucking bad timing with the lieutenant threat and all this wedding thing-

Yumi: -wait... does captain Unohana knows about all this wedding stuff?-

Ikka: -who knows? Maybe she doesn’t-

Yumi: -that’s perfect!!-

Ikka: -wha?-

Yumi: - if she doesn’t know a thing then we just tell her and see what happens- said while he winked at Ikkaku

Ikka: -I don’t get it-

Yumi: -well is pretty simple, we will get captain Unohana to kill captain Mayuri before any wedding happens and we don’t have to worry about committing murder!- 

Ikka: -why the fuck do you really want to kill captain Mayuri?!-

Yumi: -but doesn’t all the soul society wan to do the same?-

Ikka: - even through, what if captain Mayuri doesn’t even want to get married? Not even the lieutenant can do something about it-

Yumi: -soooo?-

Ikka: -let’s wait the three days, then make sure that captain Mayuri actually wants to get married and then we tell captain Unohana-

Yumi: -ok, i like the plan- 

Ikka: -great, now you can let go of my hand, you have been holding it since we got out of the fourth division!-

Yumi: -o-oh yeah...-

With the plan made, now they have to wait until the three days passed.

—————————————————-  
In the night, a lonely silhouette walked toward the thirdteen division.

Byakuya finally got the courage to go and talk to Ukitake about his issues.

He slowly made his way to the entrance.

Was he allowed to enter without knocking?

I mean not only he was a captain but his sister worked there.

So he got the right to enter isn’t? 

Before he could even think about opening the door, this slammed open.

Kiyo: -I KNEW THERE WAS SOMEONE AT THE DOOR-

senta:- I KNEW THERE WAS SOMEONE AT THE DOOR-

Both Kiyone and Sentarō fell to the ground, byakuya wanted to run away but he froze up.

Kiyo: -ah! Captain kuchiki! I’m sorry this dumbass is obstructing your way!-

Senta: -no, no, captain kuchiki is obviously being obstructed by you!-

Kiyo: -what?! How dare you say that? Your are obviously the only one obstructing!

Senta: -no! Of course you are the one obstructing captain kuchiki!

Byakuya only watched the back and forward between the two, and walked passed them into the inside of the division.

Byakuya walked towards Ukitake’s room, he already knew the way since he sometimes (very rarely actually) he visited Rukia at her work.

It was mostly to scold her for something she did but hey, it was the only way he learn to show love.

Before he could enter the room, he heard some laughing inside, most specifically of Ukitake.

He was most probably watching his fishes, when he was just in his bed after a “bad cough session” as he like to call his sickness, he would just watch his fishes and feed them.

I mean, that must be fun enough for him to laugh, right?

Byakuya for some reason just imagined kenpachi and himself sitting on the edge of a lake just passing the day together and must probably kissing... and doing some more +18 things.

Before byakuya could smash his head against the door for having those thoughts he heard another laugh.

Somewhat more deep and very recognizable.

Well, now he could his favorite gay couple together since Shunsui was there!

....

The fuck was he even saying?

Byakuya composted himself and knocked in the door.

Uki: -mmh? Kiyone? Sentarō?

Bya: -n-no... it’s me..-

Uki: -ah! Byakuya-kun! Come on in!

Bya: -I-I don’t w-want to interrupt something-

Shun: -you aren’t interrupting nothing byakuya, just come on in

Byakuya wanted to enter but something was really bugging his mind and if he didn’t let it out he would explode.

Bya: -..... are you both naked or something?-

WHY. THE. FUCK. DID. HE. JUST. MADE. THAT. QUESTION?

Before byakuya could commit senpuku, the door slammed open.

Nanao: -I’m sorry captain byakuya but please don’t think of me in those situations

Oh shit Nanao was there.

Rukia: -nii-sama, why are you here? And why are you making those questions?

Oh shit Rukia was there as well.

...

OH SHIT RUKIA WAS THERE AS WELL.

Byakuya panicked the fuck out.

But as we already know of his panicking ways.

He just froze.

Nanao: -captain kuchiki? Are you ok?-

Frozen.

Rukia: -is he ok?

Really frozen.

Uki: -w-well he has kind off been this way since the morning- said trying to get his composure back after the question

Olaf was about to fucking sing because of how frozen he was.

Shun: -he doesn’t look ok- 

Oh look, there was Elsa!

...

Ok enough.

Byakuya passed out.

He literally shut off.

Nanao wanted to catch him but he fell to the contrary side.

Everyone watched him fall.

Nanao: -ummm... he is going to be okay, right?

Rukia rushed to byakuya side, Shunsui walked to his side as well while Ukitake just watch since he was actually bedridden.

Rukia: -nii-sama!! Nii-sama!!-

Byakuya was still down.

Uki: -Rukia why don’t you go for some water?-

Rukia nodded and run to get water as soon as she was away byakuya woke up.

Bya: -I might have feeling for kenpachi but i don’t want to talk about it in front of Rukia- said quickly 

Shun: -wha?-

Nanao: -what?-

Uki: -what?

Rukia: -what?-

Rukia wasn’t that far away so she still heard that.

Rukia: -you like captain Zaraki?!?!-

Bya: - ah-

He just disappeared using Shunpo.

Shun: -well, there goes that-

Uki: -wait! I have to find him! I told him to come meet me but I didn’t expected him to come this night!-

Ukitake tried to get up but just couldn’t.

Shun: -you wait there, Nanao-Chan, Rukia-Chan stay with him, I’m gonna find byakuya-

Rukia: -o-ok...-

Nanao: -understood-

Shunsui grabbed his hat and walked outside, something inside him was telling him that this was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, byakuya has had better days.


	9. 8• Shunsui and how he is the unofficial father of byakuya

Byakuya was sitting in the garden of the kuchiki clan.

It was quite big and nobody was there during nights.

He remembered the time when he was a little child and would go there just to cry because of his mother’s death.

Or all those time where he talked with his father about becoming a captain of the gotei 13.

Oh if only his father were still alive, he would still have all this issues but at least would have an ally to talk to.

He was about to leave the garden, go towards his room and start to praying to whoever would listen to make Rukia forget about what she has heard.

Shun: -lovely garden you have here byakuya-kun-

Byakuya got scared, he turn around to see Shunsui sitting in a close tree.

Shun: -no need to run, I won’t tell anyone-

Byakuya felt that he could trust Shunsui.

Byakuya went to Shunsui and sat next to him.

It was like and of those weird talk between a father and his son.

Shun: -so tell me, what was all that show you made at Ukitake’s place?-

Bya: -it’s quite complicated...-

Shun:-..... so Zaraki?-

Byakuya was about to leave but Shunsui grabbed his shoulder.

Shun: -I’m sorry, I’m sorry don’t leave yet!-

Byakuya sat again, Shunsui just sighed.

This was really a awkward father-son talk.

And neither of them like it.

Shun: -ok look, the only reason why I came here is because ukitake said that he told you to come and talk to him and-

Bya: -I don’t need any talk, I can figure things about by myself-

Shun: -really? Because twenty minutes ago you looked like a scared puppy-

Bya: -I’m gonna call the servants-

Shun: -wait wait! Don’t you want to talk about all this stuff? I mean I won’t say anything but you looked really troubled by this-

Bya: -.... how do you know that you have a “crush” on someone?- said making the marks with his hands

Shun: -why the marks? Haven’t you been married? You should know more about crushes than me-

The thing with Hisana was kind of complicated.

He indeed felt love for her, but was it romantic love?

He may have only looked at her more as a friend than a partner, and only married her to break the rules of the kuchiki clan.

Obviously that took a bad turn when the elders heard about it and wanted to sacrifice them to the soul king.

But that’s another thing.

Well now, if with Hisana was more friendly love, the love he feels for kenpachi is romantic? 

He has always been taught about how bad homosexual relationship can be.

Not because they are bad or anything.

But because those can’t produce heirs.

And the clan was in real need of those.

Byakuya was the only legitimate heir of the clan, Rukia could be too but the elders were some picky bastards and didn’t want her.

All the pressure of getting a heir was put on byakuya’s shoulders and it was crushing his soul.

He wanted to be free from all that pressure, but he knew the problem the clan was facing.

And it wasn’t like with kenpachi was going to get any better.

I mean...

If for some reason he went and married kenpachi, that would make Yachiru the heir.

And holy shit was that going to be hell.

If the elders didn’t die because of their age, they die from one of yachiru’s pranks.

But we are getting off topic.

The reason why he just couldn’t realize that he had a crush for kenpachi was that he was only taught to love women.

But when he looked at women he didn’t really felt anything that he had been taught.

Love, kindness, wanting to make babies.

None of those thing, but when he looked at kenpachi he felt all of those things.

But yet again, wasn’t it wrong?

But yet again again, wasn’t that what romantic love was?

Byakuya started to freak out silently again, Shunsui took notice of this and decided to talk. 

Shun: -something is telling me that is a bigger issue than it looks like-

Byakuya just nooded.

Shun: -ok... where shall we start?-

Bya: -are you and ukitake dating?-

He really need someone to tell him “dating men isn’t a bad thing”.

Shun: -.... do you really need to know that?-

Byakuya look at him with such sad eyes and hopefulness that Shunsui would get the message and just tell him what he wanted.

Shun: -look, we aren’t dating, much less married like everyone thinks, but if it make you feel any better.... I indeed have a crush on him-

It wasn’t what he wanted to hear but it worked as well.

Bya: -why aren’t you dating?-

Shun: -do you realize what a crush is right? Is a secret thing since I don’t know how he feels about me-

Bya: -will you tell him one day?-

Shun: - most probably yes, I want to take him before death does- 

Shunsui laugh after that last part but byakuya keep looking at him serious.

Bya: -is that a bad thing?-

Shun: -huh? What?-

Bya: -wanting to be with him? ... with a man...?- he said that last part quietly.

Shun: - I don’t really know for what answers you are looking for but I can tell you, love isn’t a bad thing, you can feel it for a woman or a man even the two at the same time, you can care about the gender or care about the person, It doesn’t matter, love is love ok?-

Byakuya felt a pressure in his chest, was it hope? 

Hope for finally living how he wanted?

Servant: -Byakuya-sama? What are you doing here this late at night?!-

A servant noticed the two men.

Shun: -ah! Don’t worry we were talking thing about hollows and stuff!-

Servant: -still! It’s so late for Byakuya-sama to be awake!-

Bya: -I’m no kid with a bed time-

Servant: -sorry but that’s how the elders have decided-

At this point bringing Yachiru to the family so the elders can get a heart attack didn’t look like a bad idea.

Shun: -sorry to keep you awake byakuya-kun-

Both stand up, byakuya walked towards the servant but then stopped and looked at Shunsui.

Bya: -Shunsui, will you do it soon?-

Shun: -what?-

Bya: -the thing...with ukitake-

Shunsui got surprised but then smiled.

Shun: -actually yes, very soon, hope you help me tho-

Bya: -.... I will see what I can do-

Shun: -great, then see you later byakuya-Kun-

Bya: -see you later, Shunsui-

With a little hope in his chest, byakuya slept just fine.

Well, it was fine until he remembered the issue with Rukia but oh well.

That was a problem for future byakuya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this awful thing called exams and couldn’t write another chapter but thankfully I’m free now, that means more bs is to happen :)


	10. 9• Soifon and how she was tricked into spying

Unohana was worried.

Ikkaku and yumichika heard about her love for kenpachi.

She was worried that they would tell kenpachi about it and he would think that she is crazy and that she need to get away from him and....

Well, the crazy part wasn’t so far from reality.

It was night, everyone was resting after a day of hard work, she was still awake thinking about the issue.

She need to know if they have told kenpachi about it or not.

But obviously she couldn’t go ask sisnce it would look very suspicious.

She needed to be stealthy.

She needed to be like a....

Ok, now she knows what to do.

————————————————-

Soifon, the commander-in-chief of the special forces and the leader of the 2nd division.

She was a very serious woman, always focused in her missions, pushing everyone of her division to the limit, a leader par excellence.

Right now she was still training, after the battle against Aizen she realized that she wasn’t nowhere near strong as him.

And that really frustrated her.

How could she show yoruichi that she has progressed and become more strong than she was before?

With that thought on mind she kept training at least until she detected certain someone reiatsu.

Soi: -you usually hide your reiatsu, captain Unohana-

Unoha: -I’m sorry, but I don’t think this is a situation to hide it-

Soi: -whats bring you here?-

Unoha: -I really need your help-

Soi: -to do what?-

Unoha: -I need you to spy Madarame and ayasegawa-

Soi: -captain Unohana, why would I do that? Apart I don’t spy people-

Unoha: -ok then, kill them please-

....

That scaled quickly.

Soi: -w-what?-

Unoha: -I need you to kill Madarame and ayasegawa before dawn-

Soi: -wait! Why?! I mean I could totally do that but I need reasons-

Unoha: -look, it’s better if you don’t hear the reasons but I really need the job done-

Soi: -I won’t do it without a reason-

Unoha: -ok then, I’m gonna say to yoruichi that she doesn’t need to come to the soul Society anymore-

Soi: -hold up!!! Stop right there!!!-

Soifon knew that yoruichi didn’t even hang out at the Seireitei but she couldn’t risk it.

Soi: -I-i might do it but i still need a reason-

Unoha: -believe me you don’t need it, just do it and I will organize a date between you and yoruichi-

Ok, that caught the complete attention of Soifon.

————————————————

The next day, yumichika woke up as always.

He heard the other members of the division screaming at each other.

He went to the bathroom, he took a quick shower.

Got dressed.

He looked beautiful as always.

Soifon was stalking him.

Ah, such a normal morning.

.....

Wait.

Yumichika turned around just to see no one, he swore that he saw Soifon at the tree outside of his room.

Maybe he was just hallucinating, last night he went drinking with Ikkaku, Hisagi, Rangiku and kira over the win against Aizen.

He probably had a hangover.

Yes that probably is.

Of course it isn’t Soifon stalking him from a tree.

That would be ridiculous.

He went out of his room and found Ikkaku in the corridor.

Ikka: -oh hey yumichika!-

Yumi: -hey Ikkaku-

Ikka: -have you felt a weird feeling of someone watching you? I have been feeling it since I woke up-

Yumi: -ah? You too?-

Ikka: -ah?-

They looked around but couldn’t see anything, with just that weird feeling they walked to the dining room.

In the dining room everyone was already eating, they grabbed their food and sit with kenpachi and Yachiru.

Yachi: -baldy, Yun-Yun, hii!!-

Kenpa: -yumichika, Ikkaku-

Yumi: -hi captain, lieutenant-

Ikka: -stop calling me baldy!-

Yachiru just laugh at that, they started talking about what they would do that day.

But Ikkaku and yumichika just couldn’t shake that weird feeling of someone watching them.

Yachi: - ah! Now that I remember, how’s the wedding going?-

Yumichika was about to speak when he suddenly felt something like a rock hit his head.

Yumi: -ah?-

Ikka: -oh the wedding well that-

Ikkaku was hit with a rock as well.

Kenpa: -brat, how many times do I have to tell you that I don’t want a wedding?-

Yachi: -buuut Ken-Chan!-

Ikkaku and yumichika were searching from where the rock hit them but couldn’t find anything.

Ikka: -like I was saying-

Another rock hit him and yumichika as well.

This time they looked up and could see Soifon on the ceiling watching them.

She just put a finger over her mouth meaning to keep silence.

Ikkaku and yumichika panicked.

Kenpa: -what’s up with you two now?-

Yumi: -y-you know w-what c-captain I want to train early-

Yumichika eat all of his food quickly, said a quick goodbye and leaved.

Ikkaku was still petrified staring at his food feeling the judgement stare of Soifon.

Why was she watching them?

She didn’t knew anything about all the issues right?

Like no one has tell her...

Yachi: -baldy?-

Ikkaku like yumichika, ate as fast as he could said a quick goodbye and leaved.

Yachi: -eh? What’s wrong with them? Did they got diarrhea or something?-

Kenpa: -who knows, finish your food now and don’t eat as fast as those idiots, your belly’s gonna hurt later-

Yachi: -ok!-

—————————————————

Ikkaku was running searching for yumichika, this was bad, Soifon could easily murder them.

But why would she do that?

She doesn’t have a reason does she? 

He found yumichika hiding behind a tree near the training grounds.

Ikka: -yumichika!-

Yumi: -shut up I don’t want Soifon to find me!!-

Soi: -excuse me but you should call me captain Soifon-

Before the two could scream Soifon covered both of their mouths with her hands.

She was hanging upside down from a branch of the tree.

Soi: -now, I would love to hear what do yo mean by wedding-

She uncovered their mouths.

Yumi: -I-I don’t know what you talking about...-

Soi: -oh yes you know, lieutenant kusajishi mentioned something about a wedding, does this has something to do with captain Unohana?-

They looked at each other and then they knew.

Unohana send Soifon.

Both just kneeled on the ground with their heads down.

Soi: -w-what?-

Yumi: -please do it quick-

Soi: -huh?-

Ikka: -if you can do it painless-

Soi: -w-wait! What are you talking about!?-

Yumi: -didn’t captain Unohana send you to kill us?-

Soi: -no!... well kind of, but I’m not gonna kill any of you, I want to know why she want me to spy both of you? And what is that wedding about?-

Oh, she didn’t knew.

Yumi: -captain Unohana send you to spy us?-

Ikka: -most probably to make sure we don’t spill her secret-

Yumi: -make sense-

Soi: -what secret? The hell is going on!?-

Yumi: -look, captain Soifon we prefer not to tell you, what about you ask captain Unohana?-

Soi: -she won’t tell me, I ask her a hundred times why she wanted me to spy you but she just kept saying that is none of my business-

Yumichika and Ikkaku looked at each other.

Can they tell Soifon about the whole issue?

She wasn’t a Rangiku that would tell everyone in the Seireitei.

Yumi: -ok, but promise you won’t tell anyone-

Soi: -if it affects the gotei 13 directly I will tell captain commanders Yamamoto, if not I won’t-

Yumi: -ok, to make things quickly, our lieutenant want us to organize a wedding for our captain but captain Mayuri isn’t available and when we went to the fourth division to get something to help him, captain Unohana told Isane about her crush on our captain-

Soi: -huh? She is making me spy you just because of that!?-

Ikka: -I-I guess..?-

Soi: -ok, I will talk to her now, you’re dismissed-

Both run away from there, Soifon started her way to the fourth division.

Oh, Unohana was about to get it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So at least I passed my classes :)


	11. 10• Unohana and how she got an useless lesbian as an ally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that I think about it, all of unohana’s part will contain spoilers about the final arc, so yeah be aware.

Soifon arrived at the fourth division, they were working as always.

She sneaked until she found Unohana, she was attending some people and was about to leave the room.

Soi: -captain Unohana we need to talk-

Unohana turned around and saw Soifon at the door.

Unohana: -right here? Let’s go to my office-

Soifon agreed and walked towards Unohana’s office.

She entered and Unohana as well closing the door behind her.

Unoha: -well... did you kill them?-

Soi: -no, but they told something a little bit interesting-

Unohana started to sweat.

Soi: -tell me Unohana, what’s up with you and captain Zaraki?-

Oh they were so dead.

Next time yumichika or Ikkaku went to the fourth division they would “suddenly” die at the care of Unohana.

Unoha: -there’s nothing between us, don’t know what you’re talking about-

Soi: -c’mon Unohana, they already told me, you can’t lie to me-

Unoha: -how do you know they weren’t lying?-

Soi: -it’s a good question, but I know them even through they are kind of stupid, they are loyal and honest, apart don’t think someone would lie when their life is in danger-

Unoha: -so you did almost kill them, don’t you know that’s something against the rules?-

Soi: -don’t try changing the topic Unohana, tell me about that stuff with Zaraki or I will go and tell him myself-

Unoha: -why do you want to know?! You already know that I like kenpachi, no need to go deeper than that-

Soi: -oh! So you do like him?-

Unoha: -ah... yes, yes I do...-

Soi: -why? He’s an asshole-

Unohana couldn’t tell that, just because it included things about her past as a kenpachi.

She decided that she would hide the secret, just those who have been here for centuries know about it.

Unoha: -h-he isn’t an asshole, h-he’s.... something else-

Soi: -what?-

Yeah, what?

What did she really like about him?

It was obvious that she liked his body... but what else?

Well that’s actually pretty simple.

He made her feel alive.

All the day she remembers that fight against him.

Oh that fight.

It was the first time Unohana had felt something like that.

So much emotion, he was the first one that actually made a scar on her body, that pure body of her that looked untouched had the mark of a ferocious battle.

Every time she walked past him, her scar would hurt, calling her to take matter on her hands and mark him as he did.

But she already did.

That mark over his eye.

She would past long time staring at it on the captains meetings.

He wore it with so much pride.

He could hide it with a mask or something but he chose to show the aftermath of that battle.

Unohana has heard kenpachi talking about it.

“The best battle I ever had” he would call it.

Oh, did that made her feel alive.

It was a living proof of her past, a past she wanted to erase and yet here she was, wanting to be with him, wanting to protect that part of her past.

Why?

Did she wanted to personally destroy him and the proof of her past?

Or did she wanted to preserve it and protect what confirms her existence as a kenpachi?

Whatever it is she doesn’t know.

She wants to find that answer.

He was the only man that had make her feel that way.

And she wanted more of it.

Maybe at the point of becoming addicted.

Soi: -so? You stayed quiet after the question-

Unoha: -I really can’t tell you Soifon-

Soi: -well how unfortunate, maybe Zaraki would be more interested in telling me-

While kenpachi made her feel alive, Soifon made her want to stab her.

Unoha: -I cant really enter in details but I think you can comprehend the feeling-

Soi: -huh?-

Unoha: -oh, you know what I’m talking about, I have seen how you look at yoruichi-

Well, everyone have.

Soifon turned red.

Unoha: -how you look at her like she is something out of this world, how she makes you feel thing others haven’t, how you just want to be close to her, how-

Soi: o-ok , ok I get it, but why him? I mean there others options- said while still red.

Unoha: -do I really have other options?-

That was a fair question.

Hitsugaya is really out of question as well as Komamura.

That leaving us with byakuya, Shunsui, ukitake and Mayuri.

Obviously Shunsui and ukitake wouldn’t be since everyone (except them) knows that they are married.

Byakuya wouldn’t be either, he looked kind of the type of guy that would keep being loyal even after death.

So that leave us with....

Soi: -I was about to say captain Mayuri but since what happened yesterday I think he’s out of question-

Unoha :-exactly, I was about to kill him yesterday-

Wow, so honest.

Kind of in a bad way but honest.

Soi: - so you really want to be with him?-

Unoha: -yes.... but I don’t think I have any chance-

Soi: -why? Because of captain Mayuri?-

Unoha: -not really, this isn’t a love that started yesterday, it has been decades of wanting to be with him and stopping myself because that would be bad-

Soi: -to be honest with you, I dislike the guy but I don’t really see why would it be bad that both of you are together, I mean you can even tame him or something-

Tame him? Did she wanted that?

To have kenpachi under her care like a tamed beast?

No.

She wanted him to be free, savage, prideful and violent.

She was always so impressed of him, while she would hide the fact that she was a kenpachi, he would say it with so much pride.

He was so full of himself but that didn’t change that he actually had some moral.

Always after his training with his division he would carry all of the injured (that ends up being a lot) members to the fourth division.

“I’m not leaving anyone behind” those words always took by surprise at Unohana.

And not only that, he actually even have a kind side.

She has seen him walk around the Seireitei with Yachiru grabbing his hand, she would tell whatever a child would tell and he would hear with so much attention.

She didn’t wanted to change any of that by taming him.

Unoha: -I don’t want to tame him or anything, I want to love him the way he is now, you may say that he is savage and violent but I have seen others side of him-

Soi: -ah? Does that beast even have other sides?-

Unoha: -they are none of your business-

Soi: -well, if you know him that well why haven’t you started dating him?-

Unoha: -I-I d-don’t know h-how..-

Soi: -you don’t know how what?-

Unoha: -flirt with him...?-

Soifon looked Unohana impressed.

Soi: -oh c’mon, you are way older than me or I think even him, you must have any experience in this field-

Nope, she didn’t.

Since that fight, Unohana got very high expectations for any men that would lie to be with her.

Everyone would end up cut in two or just reject when she became a doctor.

Apart it’s not like somebody came here and teach her how to flirt.

If that would have happened, she already would have like 5 children with kenpachi.

Because yes, she actually wanted children, but that’s another issue for another time.

Soi: -you really don’t know how to flirt?!-

Unoha: -oh shut up, you can’t flirt with a cat-

Low blow.

Soi: -yoruichi isn’t just a cat, she is a person I really admire-

Unoha: -that can become a cat-

Soi: -lets leave the cat part out of this!-

Unoha: -apart I don’t really see you flirting either-

Soi: -because I don’t want her like that!-

Unohana jus watched Soifon with a really judgmental look.

Soi: -ok, ok! I don’t really know how to!!!-

Unoha: -ok, let me propose you something, you helped get kenpachi and I help you get yoruichi-

Soi: -you know that you have a love rival, isn’t? What if you don’t win?-

Unoha: -I would still help you, you have my word-

Soifon was actually thinking about it.

Soi: -oh what the hell, deal-

She said as she extended her hand at Unohana, the older woman shake hands with her.

Soi: -look, right now I need to put my men to train, I will tell when shall we reunite to talk about our strategies-

Unoha: -ok, seems fine by me-

With that Soifon leaved the room.

It looked like she forgot that Unohana promised her a date with yoruichi.

Great, because Unohana didn’t have idea how the hell to contact yoruichi.


	12. 11• Rukia and how she fucked up

Renji Abarai, lieutenant of the 6th division, childhood friend of rukia and kind-off rival of ichigo kurosaki.

Out of all the things that could happen in his shinigami life, this one was the last one he expected.

Bya:- are you sure you haven’t talk with Rukia?!-

Byakuya was behaving weird.

Renji entered the division to do his paperwork, and byakuya started blasting him with question.

“Have you talk with rukia?, have you seen her? Do you know where is she? Have you talk with rukia? Do you think she’s with Ichigo? HAVE YOU TALK WITH RUKIA?!”

Were some of the questions.

Renji:- c-captain... aren’t you her brother?-

Bya: -and what!?-

Renji:- I-I don’t know, m-maybe you should know where is she...?

If stares could kill, renji would have been murdered in cold blood.

That was the point where the red head took the best decision he could have.

Run the fuck away of the division and find rukia.

—————————————

It was a lovely morning in the 13th division, ukitake woke up without coughing blood and for some reason he had more koi fishes in his pond (yachiru), Ukitake’s life could be more cal-

Renji: -CAPTAIN UKITAKE WHERE’S RUKIA?!

Well, so much for the calm part...

Uki: - excuse me?-

Renji: - WHERE’SRUKIA?BYAKUYAISGOINGTOKILLMEIFIDONT-

Uki: -A-Abarai-kun please calm down! I don’t understand anything of what you are saying!

Renji calmed down.

Renji: -where’s rukia!? I need to find her and talk with her about something or my captain is going to kill me!-

Uki: - I told you to calm down, you are making no sense-

Renji:- I’m calm! That’s the whole truth!-

Uki: -oh...-

Maybe this was something about what happen the last night.

But does byakuya really want renji to hear about it?

Well maybe, is that why he is telling him to find rukia? 

————————————

There was no way in hell byakuya would want that “rumor” to go around.

He was now worried in his office, after “camly” asking renji about rukia whereabouts, he run off for some reason.

Where did renji run off?

He just wanted to know if he has talked with rukia.

Why? Well if he haven’t that means he still doesn’t know about the “rumor”

But in case he have, he wanted to know if rukia told him about it.

The problem here is, in any case, what the hell would he do about it?!

Maybe he could tell renji that everything was just rukia invention after being in anesthesia (even though she didn’t really need anesthesia for anything)

And maybe he could tell rukia that he was way to drunk last night and that’s why he was saying nonsense (even though is really weird of him to even drink)

....

Yes, that was a good plan.

He could fake it out at least until he gets ukitake and shunsui together, then when he sees a healthy homosexual relationship maybe his brain and heart would coordinate and the go confess to Ken-

WAAAAAIIITTTT!!!!!

He still isn’t even sure about his “crush” of kenpachi, everything was still unsure about it.

Byakuya hit his head against the desk.

What exactly did that man do to get him this way?

He rested his head in his desk, and extended his hand on it as well, although he had a lot of paperwork to fill he just couldn’t.

His head just couldn’t stop thinking about kenpachi.

Out of nowhere he fell a little and a big hand on his.

He raised his head just to see certain duo.

Ken and yachi: -you dead?-

Oh fuck.

———————————

Rukia Kuchiki, lieutenant of the 13th division, childhood friend of renji, a “normal student” in the human world and adoptive sister of byakuya kuchiki.

She was freaking the fuck out.

Last night after byakuya out of nowhere revealed his crush for kenpachi and shunsui went to see him, ukitake tried to speak with her.

He said something about how hard all of this was for byakuya and how she shouldn’t tell anyone about it since it was a delicate issue.

And that was the problem actually.

Earlier in the morning, she went out of the kuchiki household, she wanted to give byakuya time to think about what happen last night and then speak with her.

She didn’t find any problem with byakuya liking kenpachi.

Lowkey she ship them.

But didn’t expect to actually become truth.

She went to the room where they had ichigo, after his fight with aizen he lose almost all of his powers as a shinigami and passed out.

Orihime, ishida and chad were with him, waiting for him to wake up, if she didn’t have paperwork to do she would accompany them as well.

Although ukitake told her to “not speak this with anyone else” she told the humans (and Quincy) about the issue with byakuya.

I mean they are her friends as well and she trusted them and she knew that they wouldn’t tell any-

Rangi: -hey guys! What are you doing?-

Orihi: -oh rukia was telling us about how byakuya-San has a crush in Zaraki-San-

.....

Holy shit orihime, couldn’t you wait at least an hour to tell?

Well, in orihime‘s defense Rukia didn’t tell her it was a secret, she just started telling right away.

On the other hand, this was bad. 

Really, really, REALLY bad.

Everyone knew that if you wanted something to go public you just needed to tell rangiku.

Rukia hoped that rangiku would still be in low spirits with what happened with gin.

But let me tell you that she didn’t look a bit sad as she was telling Hisagi and kira about it.

Rukia didn’t worry about kira, he had as many friends as opportunities Soifon had with yoruichi.

None.

Problem here is that hisagi is a reporter for the seireitei bulletin, which is always searching for the most interesting and relevant gossips that happen in the seireitei.

She, of course, is freaking out and stalking hisagi.

For you, the reader, know where everyone was, let me explain it.

Ichigo and company were in the fourth division, once rangiku heard the gossip run to tell the first person she saw, which happened to be Hisagi and kira, who were paying a visit to momo.

After hearing the gossip, kira stayed with rangiku to talk about it and Hisagi went away saying that “he had a importan meeting to attend” in the seireitei bulletin.

So now he was walking towards his division, being stalked by Rukia.

Hisagi felt how someone was following him but didn’t take importance in that.

As she was stalking Hisagi, Rukia saw how Soifon was going to the fourth division muttering something like “fricking unohana and her love issues”.

Well, at least she isn’t the only one that fucked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 0 out of 5 stars to the virtual classes, makes me lose time to write about a closeted gay, a yandere and a psycho clown in love with a Neanderthal, wouldn’t recommend.


	13. 12• Kenpachi and how he can make a princess go crazy

Nemu kurotsuchi, lieutenant of the 12th division, best friend of yachiru, basically artificial life, vice captain of the shinigami women’s association and mayuri’s daughter.

Her morning was like any other.

Wake up.

Take a shower.

Change into clean clothes.

See if any of her father’s experiments have kill someone.

Go for something to eat.

Go eat with her father.

Drop some food into the bathtub her liquified father was in.

Really normal.

....

At least for her.

While she was eating with mayuri, she remembered something.

Nemu:- ah, mayuri-sama, ikkaku-sama told me that kenpachi-sama is going to marry you in exactly 2 days

No answer from the liquid.

Nemu: - in 2 days, you will come back into your normal body isn’t it?

No answer.

Nemu: -I will take that as a yes, I will ask the women in the shinigami women’s association to get you a suit-

Nothing.

Nemu:-mayuri-sama, can i wear a dress?-

...

Nemu:- I will take that as a yes, I will talk with kenpachi-sama to set where’s the wedding happening, would you like it here in the soul society or in the human world?-

. . .

Nemu:- I will take that as a in the soul society, I have a busy day, I will tell you everything in my report, mayuri-sama 

. . .

Nemu made a little bow and leaved the room.

The legend says that in a microscopical world there was a clown face screaming about not wanting to get married to a Neanderthal.

But oh well.

No one could hear him.

—————————————

Props to the kuchiki clan.

If they didn’t traumatized byakuya enough, he would have screamed at the top of his lungs by just seeing kenpachi.

But in this case, he petrified as always.

Yachi: -ken-Chan... I think byakun died-

Ken: - nah... well maybe-

Byakuya just stared at them, at this point not even he knew if he was flirting or if he was having a heart attack.

Ken: -yo, princess wake up!-

Ah, that goddamned nickname, byakuya freak out the first time kenpachi called him like that.

Was he saying it as in a loving way or as in a insulting way?

For kenpachi was obvious, it was an insult.

For byakuya was obvious, it was an lovely nickname.

Yachi: -Ken-Chan I really think he died-

Ken: - fuck, not when I need a fucking favor-

Byakuya snapped out.

Bya: -w-w-wha!?-

Yachi: -yes! He alive!!-

Ken:- fucking hell...-

Bya:-w-wha happen?-

Ken:-you just fucking died or something, anyway, I need to ask you for a favor-

Bya:-o-oh yeah, what?-

Ken: -the old man wants to talk with me this afternoon for some bullshit-

Bya:-a-and..?

Ken:- ikkaku and yumichika are occupied with some shit, so could you babysit yachiru?-

Bya:- w-wait m-me? Why?

Ken:-yachiru likes you-

Yachi: -yeah!-

Ken:- and you owe me a favor-

Bya:- i owe you a favor?-

Ken:- yeah, I kick that espada ass, you just got in the way and almost got hurt, so I save your ass-

If something was bigger than his love for kenpachi, it was his fricking ego.

Bya:-excuse me, but I was the one who kicked that espada ass, you were the one in the way-

Ken:-Ha! You sure? Because I’m pretty sure I attack him more!-

Bya:- Ha! You must be joking, I was the one who made sure would stand up again!-

Ken:- oh yeah!? Then what about you show me those attacks?!-

Bya:- oh, but of course I will show you!-

Yachi:- should I close my eyes?-

Without realizing the two men were getting their faces closer and closer, byakuya panicked and kenpachi returned to his position.

The two men didn’t say anything, for kenpachi it was just a little awkward moment for some reason and for byakuya... well...

He was now actually dying.

His face was now red, he was shacking lightly and seeing the floor.

Ken:- w-well so what do you say? You take care of ‘chiru?-

Byakuya didn’t responded he was freaking out again.

Yachi: -byakun died again!-

Ken: - god dammit-

Kenpachi got close to byakuya, grabbed him by his shoulders and shake him lightly.

Ken:- yo, princess not again!-

Byakuya came back again.

Bya:- w-w-wha? O-oh yeah, u-umm y-yes I take care of her- 

Ken: -that’s what I wanted to hear-

Said with one of his scary smiles, but for byakuya was the loveliest of smiles.

Kenpachi walked towards the door.

Ken:-I will drop her off in the afternoon, oh, and stop doing the petrified thing, I hate it, looks like you died or something and I don’t want you dead-

Yachi:- bye bye byakun!-

The two walked out of the room, leaving behind a really overwhelmed byakuya.

He just sank in his chair.

He was just so overwhelmed with a lot of emotions

Again he rested his head in his desk but this time his hands covered his head.

Bya:- .... I don’t love him-

Said lying to himself.

————————————-

Ken:- I just fucking told him I would drop you at the afternoon!-

Yachi: - iiiii knooow, but i forgot about the reunion!-

Ken:- ugh, and why the hell is the reunion here?!-

They were standing in front of the kuchiki household, it was quite close of the 6th division so obviously in no time they got there.

And then yachiru just remembered about her reunion with the shinigami women’s association.

Yachi:- because byakun gave us the permission-

A really big lie.

Ken:- you sure?-

Yachi:- of course, why would I lie?- 

Said the girl as she pet kenpachi’s head.

Before kenpachi could say anything else,a certain person arrived.

Rangi:- oh yachiru! You are here early!-

Kenpachi turned his head to see rangiku with Nanao arriving.

Both women looked at kenpachi, then realized where they were standing and just laughed silently.

Kenpachi didn’t understood that but he didn’t really care.

Ken:- ok, but after your reunion you go with the princess-

Yachi:-ok! Take care ken-Chan!-

Ken:- you too brat-

Yachiru hugged kenpachi who responded by patting yachiru‘s back.

Yachiru got down from kenpachi’s shoulder and went to nanao for her to carry her.

The two older women said goodbye to kenpachi, who just responded with a nod.

After kenpachi leaved.

It was question time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I had to pick a theme song for this it would be “fear and delight” because that’s all what the three idiots feel for kenpachi


	14. 13• Nanao and how she and rangiku watched a little to much telenovelas

Rangiku was smiling from ear to ear, nanao, who was carrying yachiru, was a little worried.

They were about to hear the juiciest gossip of the moment.

They got to the “reunion place” (a secret room in the kuchiki clan) and waited for everyone else.

They weren’t greedy, of course they would let everyone hear about the gossip.

Although nanao was a little worried, was all of this related with what happened last night?

Well she was about to find out.

Everyone arrived at the reunion with the only exception of rukia, who at this point was still stalking Hisagi.

Yachi: -May the reunion of the shinigami women’s association start!!-

As soon she said that, she started eating all the candy that unohana a bought (not to win her over, obviously no... *winkwink*)

Rangiku was really anxious to know all about byakuya and kenpachi’s “relationship”, but before she could ask something nemu took the word.

Nemu:- yachiru, would you like to wear a dress for the wedding?-

Yachi:-mmmm yeah, why not-

Hold up.

Wedding?

Everyone knew that kenpachi was a quick kind off guy, but not that quick.

Nemu:- so, I just need to get a suit for mayuri-sama-

Wow, mayuri was going?

Even though he confessed his love for kenpachi like a day or so ago?

Another bold man.

Soifon and isane noticed how unohana was starting to get mad.

Yachi:- and where are you gonna get it? Ken-Chan needs one as well!-

The kuchiki clan weren’t going to buy a suit for their future member?

Well, everyone knew they were some cheap assholes.

But not even byakuya was going to buy it for his love?

Nemu:- unfortunately I don’t have the information of where we could get some suits and dresses-

Weddings in the soul society were a uncommon event.

Especially between captains, in the story of the gotei 13, no captains have married each other and make it public, they usually hide it until death or until someone discover them, being that the case of Ukitake and shunsui’s secret wedding that they still say didn’t happen.

They are so good at hiding it.

Yachi:- Oh! I remember I saw some cute ones in the human world!-

Nemu:- really? Then maybe we should get them from there, I will ask mayuri-sama for permission to go-

Yachi:- I will accompany you, and obviously Ken-Chan as well, he needs to choose his suit-

Kenpachi with a suit.

Now that was a image.

An image that made unohana feel some “tingly” in her stomach.

Nemu:- I think it would be a good idea if mayuri-sama wears a white suit-

Now, that was a bitch move.

Go to the wedding of your crush and his crush dressed in white.

Neither you were a bitch or simply didn’t give a shit about anything.

Which, actually, could be mayuri’s case.

Yes.

He was a bitch.

...

I mean he didn’t gave a fuck.

Yeah... that.

Yachi:- tell clown face to wear a red lipstick so when he kisses Ken-Chan his lips end up red!-

Hold up.

Why the fuck would mayuri kiss kenpachi when he’s getting married with byakuya!?

Wait.

They were talking about the same wedding, right...?

Rangi:- ummm girls, about what wedding you are talking about?

Yachi:- the wedding between Ken-Chan and clown face! Yun yun and baldy are preparing everything!

....

What?

....

WHAT THE FUCK?

unohana was burning in anger, she could fake out her face with a smile but she couldn’t fake out the flames that appeared behind her.

Rangi:- wait! What about byakuya!?-

Yachi:- hum? What about him? Well he’s weird, he stares at Ken-Chan sometimes and Ken-Chan like to challenging him to some duels, but he says that those duels are for adults and I can’t go with him-

Those duels that yachiru is talking are kind off real, kenpachi always challenge byakuya to them but as we saw they do not go beyond insults.

Either way, kenpachi thinks that if for some reason byakuya actually agrees to a duel, that battle would be bloody, savage and violent, he doesn’t really want yachiru to see that (although she has seen worse in the rugonkai) that’s why he tells her to not come to see that battle.

Unfortunately yachiru didn’t give all that context to the women, and now they were thinking about how kenpachi cheats on mayuri with byakuya and how they have “battles” between the two.

This was the juiciest of gossips, rangiku was happy, like a dog seeing its owner.

On the other hand, nanao was worried.

Nanao:-It all make sense now.

Rangi:- huh?

Nanao:- Mayuri and kenpachi had a secret relationship for years, kenpachi got tired of it and searched for something new and found byakuya, a hot and young widowed man looking for some action.

Rangiku was looking at her with attention.

Nanao:- oh, so they had “battles” almost daily and everything was going fine until mayuri thought that it was time to take the next step and marry kenpachi.

Rangi:- and Kenpachi couldn’t say no for the sake of their children, and to get things worse byakuya has now fallen in love with kenpachi.

Nanao:- That’s why he was asking ukitake and shunsui for advise on that, because he wanted to get his man but didn’t know how.

Rangi:- So he took the option to befriend the two oldest (with the exception of Yamamoto) so he has more power on his side and easily send mayuri back to the maggots nets.

Nanao:- But byakuya couldn’t be so heartless could he?, would he leave a little girl without her father?

Rangi:- That’s the point, he is trying to steal everything from mayuri, from his man to his children, such cold man...

Yachi:-.... are you two crazy?-

Nanao:- oh Poor yachiru having to go trough this at such a young age.

Yachi:- ... trough what?-

Rangi :- don’t worry girls, we will protect your parents relationship and all of you will be a cute family together-

Nemu: -... what’s a relationship?-

Without wanting to go trough this shit anymore, unohana stood up and walked towards the door.

Rangi:- ah!, unohana you cant leave now, we still need to make a plan to fix mayuri and kenpachi’s relationship!-

Unoha:- I just remembered that the captain need my presence this afternoon-

Said while being angry as hell.

Yachi:-oh really?!, Ken -Chan was called as well!-

Unohana leaved the room quickly and run towards the first division forgetting she could use shunpo.

She was going to see her man.

And no fucking gossip was going to stop her.

...

She wanted to be the second lover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three chapter in no time? Wow, time to disappear for a month again (•w•)


	15. 14• Hisagi and how he believes everything from rangiku (simp)

Ukitake and renji have been searching for rukia all the morning.

There was no sight of her, they went to ichigo‘s room and they told them that she run away, they went to the kuchiki household and they told them they haven’t seen her since the early morning.

It was like she disappeared, renji was starting to get nervous again, byakuya was going to kill him if he didn’t speak with rukia, ukitake felt bad for the young shinigami.

They were going back to the 13th division until they turned their heads and saw how rukia was jumping trying to see what was happening inside the seireitei bulletin (the building only had high windows).

Uki and renji:- ..... huh?-

———-Some minutes earlier———-

Hisagi was getting tired.

Whoever the hell was following him is horrible at that job.

He notice their presence since he came out of the 4th division, he wanted to play it cool, he knew that he had some admirers but this was another level.

Hisa:- ok, enough! Come on out secret admirer that wants me!

*.....what?* though rukia.

Hisa:- I know that you want me but my heart already have an owner! 

*Who!?!?!?*

Hisa:- alcohol and rangiku but we know that she doesn’t want me that way!-

*.... why is he even telling me that?!*

Hisa:- but if you are cuter than rangiku I might give you a chance!-

*cuter than rangiku? .... what the hell is he even talking about!?!?*

Hisa:-tell me now! Who are you?!-

*well, is now or never*

Rukia came out of her hiding spot (behind of a pole).

Hisa:- Rukia!?!? Do you lov-

Rukia:- don’t even complete that sentence! I don’t love or anything, I just don’t want you to post the news about byakuya!-

Hisa:- huh? Why not?-

Rukia:- well because.... is not truth! Nii-sama doesn’t love kenpachi!-

Hisa:- .... huh?, aren’t they dating?-

The bad part of rangiku telling a secret was that she ALWAYS change the story.

If you say that something was purely blue.

She would say that something was blue and white.

Rukia:- NO THEY AREN’T!!-

Hisa:- and how do you know that?! -

Rukia:- well because-

Before she could say anything a hell butterfly appeared near Hisagi.

He heard the message and then looked at rukia.

Hisa:- rangiku just told me that kenpachi and mayuri are married but kenpachi is cheating with byakuya, and now he’s in love with kenpachi, so he went and almost killed mayuri just so he could still his man and his daughters-

Rukia:- .... wha?-

Hisagi without losing time run towards the seireitei bulletin, rukia was following him closely but once entering the building Hisagi closed the door behind him.

Rukia:-HISAGI, DONT YOU DARE POST THAT!!!-

It was to late, Hisagi was already writing the news.

———-back to where we begin——-

Uki:- rukia, darling, what are you doing?-

Rukia:- Hisagi want to post the news about nii-sama!!!-

Uki:- uh oh!!!-

Ukitake went to the front of the building and notice the door was closed.

Uki:- I’m sorry but this is urgent!-

With a quick spell he took the door down and run inside the building, leaving behind a surprised rukia and a scared renji.

Renji:- wha?-

Rukia:- that’s my captain!-

They run to hisagi’s place.

Uki:- lieutenant Hisagi I demand you to not post those news!-

Hisa:- mmmm, how do you write byakuya’s name?-

Uki:- B y a k u y a-

Hisa:- y a, ok thank you!-

Uki:- your welcome! ..... WAIT!-

Hisa:- I’m sorry captain ukitake, but is my job to report the news that happens inside the seireitei-

Uki:- I know but those news about byakuya-kun are... lies-

Hisa:- lies?-

Uki:- yes, I-I was the one who created those lies and told them to rukia!-

Rukia:-y-yes! And by accident rangiku heard about those and took it out of context!-

Hisa:- really? But why would you invent such news?-

Uki:- w-well b-because...-

Rukia:- b-because... he wanted to hide his wedding with shunsui!-

Uki:- yes!! Wait what?-

Hisa:- aren’t they already married?-

Uki:- wait what!?-

Renji:- uuuh they are talking about their wedding anniversary!-

Uki:- WAIT WHAT!?-

Hisa:- oh, ukitake and shunsui’s wedding anniversary! That’s some news!-

Rukia:- yes! And those are truth unlike the news about nii -sama and kenpachi and all that stuff!-

Hisa:- really? But why would rangiku lie? I always believe what she says and I feel bad not posting the news she just told me about-

That’s the moment when renji knew he had to act, for his friend and his captain.

Renji:- if you post anything about byakuya I swear I will break every bottle of sake in the seireitei and when kenpachi ask about it I will blame you and he will kick your ass-

Hisa:- you don’t dare-

Renji took a little bottle of sake that Hisagi had in his desk and slammed it against the ground.

Renji:- that’s one-

Hisa:- ok, ok, ok, I will not publish anything about byakuya!-

Rukia turned around to see renji with a smile, he answered with a smile as well.

Hisa:-... are you two dat-

Rukia:- say anything about it and I will freeze your ass-

Hisa:-o-ok!-

———————————-

The trio got out of the building, trusting that Hisagi wouldn’t write anything about byakuya.

Renji:- ok, can you now explain what the fuck is going on?-

Rukia:- hm? What do you mean? You know nothing?-

Renji:- no! Byakuya was asking me all morning about were where you and if I have talked with you, that’s why I went to ukitake to search for you!-

Rukia:- oh, I see, well how to say this...?-

Renji:- it has to do something with kenpachi?-

Rukia got close to him a whispered what happened last night with byakuya.

Renji:-what!? Really!?-

Uki:- yes, now why did you said all that about shunsui and me!?-

Renji:- well we ain’t lying-

Uki:- of course you are!! We aren’t married!!-

Renji and Rukia:- .... you aren’t?-

Uki:- no! We aren’t even a couple!-

Rukia:- but you act like one!

Uki:- no we don’t!-

Shunsui arrived at the scene.

Shun:- there you are ukitake, I have been searching for you everywhere, I made you some tea-

Uki:- awww, you always thinking about me, thank you so much-

Renji and Rukia:- ....-

Uki:- you two say something and I myself will tell everyone about byakuya-kun-

Shun:- what about byakuya?-

Uki:- Hisagi almost posted about byakuya and his crush-

Shun:- what?-

Renji:- and we had to lie about you two being married-

Uki:- but as abarai-kun mentioned is just a lie-

Shun:- actually, I was thinking and for byakuya’s mental health, let’s get married-

Uki:- WHAT?!-

Ukitake stop having a good day.

Shun:- don’t worry, I let you pick the cake-

Just to have a better one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really thought this story was going to be calm, at this point everyone is going crazy


	16. 15• Yamamoto and how he is probably going senile

Unohana arrived quite early to her meeting with Yamamoto.

In fact, not even Yamamoto was in the building yet as he was taking a stroll.

So she had some time to think what she was going to do when Kenpachi arrives.

Well, of course she was going to ask him what’s all that issue with byakuya and mayuri and why he hasn’t sleep with her?

...

Wait no.

She wasn’t going to ask him that, she just wanted to know if she should wear something provocative tonight?

...

WAIT NO.

....

Great, now she was horny.

And the reiatsu that was approaching wasn’t helping. 

Well neither of the reiatsus.

In his way to the 1st division, kenpachi found Yamamoto on his way back to his division, so they decided going together.

Yamamoto talking with kenpachi about whatever thing and kenpachi just growl in response.

The two man noticed unohana, who was staring directly at kenpachi’s soul.

Now she was stealing flirting forms from byakuya, she was going crazy, stop this woman for once.

Ken:- the fuck did I do now?-

Said obviously noticing unohana staring.

Yama:- don’t know, I supposed you knew-

Ken:- is that why you call us? Because I fucked up and now I have to patch thing up?-

Yama:- not actually, it’s another reason, a very important one-

They got close to the woman who now was praying to the soul king so she didn’t say anything stupid.

Yama:- please follow me you two-

Unoha:- I will follow kenpachi through hell-

Said quickly.

The two man looked at her.

Yama and Ken:- ... what?-

Unoha:- I-I just got a coughing attack, don’t worry-

Kenpachi decided to ignore it, he had enough “love problems” with yachiru and the goddamn wedding.

Yamamoto on his part, didn’t give a shit, that wasn’t going to stop him from having his class.

....

Wait, class?

....

Yes.

The trio entered the room just to find three cushions, one in front of two, and beside the cushion that was alone there was two big posters of the shinigami body (one female and the other male) showing explicitly the reproductive system.

Yamamoto entered the room and sat in the lonely cushion, kenpachi just turned around but behind him was sasakibe standing.

Ken:- get the fuck out of my way-

Sasa:- no, this class is an order from the captain-

Ken:- the captain can kiss my ass-

Unoha:- I would-

Sasa:- what?-

Yama:- please children, take a sit and let’s learn together-

Ken:- so you don’t even know the fucking topic?!-

Yama:- Zaraki, if you don’t enter I will prohibit all alcohol in the seireitei-

Ken:- you don’t dare-

Yama:- sasakibe please inform all the liquor store that-

Ken:- ok goddamit you do dare-

Yama:- that’s what I thought-

Kenpachi and unohana entered, sasakibe stayed outside in the case that kenpachi would escape.

They sat on the cushion, unohana was quite uncomfortable, I mean she was just about to take a class with her crush.

Kenpachi just wanted to kill Yamamoto and keep with his day.

Yama:- well, as you notice this class is going to be a little different from the other-

Ken:- you have never taught me shit-

Yama:- I taught you kendo-

Ken:- and then you prohibited to me-

Yama:- well, this time is going to be different, I will not prohibit this to you-

Unoha:- so we can sleep together-

Said quickly, when she realized what she just said she wanted to die so badly.

Ken:- the fuck is wrong with you?-

Yama:- Zaraki, you should know that women and men as well, have times that they feel ... umm how to say it... horny-

Unohana was dying silently, kenpachi raised his hand.

Ken:- can I fucking kill myself?-

Yama:- not after you have learn this, after all you two are the next one’s going to be married soon-

Unohana choke with her saliva and kenpachi reiatsu raised to the sky.

Unoha and Ken:- WHAT?!-

Was this unohana’s dream come truth?

Was Yamamoto going to force them to get married? 

Was she going to finally get a taste of kenpachi’s di-?

Yama:- yeah, Zaraki is marrying byakuya and unohana is marrying Kurotsuchi-

...

Wait wat?

...

Unohana and kenpachi couldn’t speak, they just froze like byakuya.

Yama:- hahahaha how great to see that those two get you speechless, I would have never imagined that you two would find some faithful partners-

The two didn’t know what to say.

Yama:-oh it was just yesterday when Zaraki entered and killed the kenpachi from the moment with little yachiru on his shoulder, ah just to imagine that now that little girl is getting a family, don’t worry Zaraki, if you and byakuya want to adopt I will help you with it-

It was such a weird sight of kenpachi quiet and looking directly at Yamamoto, just speechless.

Yama:- and you unohana, ah I always remember the old days when all those men would come and try to conquer your heart, who would have imagined that Kurotsuchi would be the one for you, i expect to see some children running around the seireitei soon-

It was funny because it looks like Yamamoto was the only shinigami in the whole universe that didn’t know that mayuri was gay.

I mean, he wasn’t being serious right?

....

Right?

Yama:- children, you okay? Nervous for the wedding?-

———————————————

Rukia:- pick chocolate-

Renji:- pick strawberry-

Shun:- pick sake-

They were standing in front of a cake shop in one of the districts.

Ukitake was dying, he didn’t want this shit.

I mean he wanted to get with shunsui and everything but not this really pressured way.

Before he could tell everyone to kindly fuck off, a really big explosion happened.

They turned, and could see how smoke was coming out of the 1st division.

Before they could make their way there, a hell butterfly appeared and spoke to shunsui.

Shun:- it was a message from the old man, he said that it isn’t an emergency, it’s just that kenpachi had a tantrum and unohana is nervous for her wedding-

Rukia, renji and uki:- ..... what the fuck?-

—————————————-

Ken:- THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT ASSHOLE!? I WON’T MARRY THAT FUCKING PRINCES GODDAMMIT!!!-

Unoha:- then marry me-

Ken:- AND YOU KEEP SAYING WEIRD SHIT, WHY?!?!-

They were walking out of the 1st division, kenpachi’s reiatsu was going crazy, unohana could handle it but everyone else was passing out as they made their way out.

Unoha:- I-I’m sorry, it’s just....-

Ken:- just what!?-

Unoha:- uhh-

Unohana couldn’t think, she wasn’t horny anymore, she was now worried that Yamamoto would actually marry her to Kurotsuchi.

Kenpachi stopped walking and looked at her, waiting for an answer.

Unohana unconsciously walked to kenpachi and rested her head in his body.

Ken:- the fuck you doin’?-

Unoha:- I don’t know, I’m so tired right now-

Ken:- really? In the past a stupid talk like this wouldn’t do this to you-

Unoha:- things change kenpachi-

Ken:- that’s truth, in the past you could have beaten the old man ass, like you beat mine, but I was a brat so it doesn’t count-

Unohana scared but hopeful looked at kenpachi.

Unoha:- ... what?-

Ken:- you really thought that I forgot about you, Yachiru?-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know you are tired when you look at your own fanfic and go “who would write that shit? ... oh”


End file.
